When I last wrote my entry here nearly 2 years ago, I would never thought how my life would be a full-on roller coaster ride ever since that post. I flew to a whole different continent, lived in a small city where the stores are closed at 7pm, met some cool people that I still keep in touch up until now, and of course, made a whole mess like I always did.
21 was significantly a messy year for me, and even though I could confidently said that it was one of the remarkable year I’ve ever had, it was also, the messiest. And the mess stayed up until a year later. Even when I moved thousands of kilometers from the only place that I’m familiar with, I still did things the way I always do, I still search for the feeling that I’ve always desperately longed for. And things doesn’t work. Hence, it was messier than ever. I lost confidence, lost friends, lost a sense of who I am as a person, all for someone who never value me the way I valued him.
22, I moved back to my hometown for a while, trying to get a hold of who I am and what I want to do. Things got rough, and I decided to move again away from home to continue uni. Having known comfort is equal to chaos, I once again successfully made a mess, this time just to completely broke myself in a way that I never did before. The way I helplessly lie there while he got his hands on me while I tried to shove him away carved deep into my brain and haunts me no matter whether the sun or the moon shines. The way I slowly opened my eyes and saw the morning light barged into room through small openings the curtain left, how I stared at the ceilings trying to make a sense of what just happened, I remember everything, every little details. As vivid as the blood that drips down from my wrist to the white floor of my bedroom; some stained the white shirt I wore.
But amidst of it all, as I tried so hard to stay awake while I’m sinking, someone unexpectedly pulled me ashore. Everything happened so fast and I never understand why, but now, instead of desperately swimming alone through the waves, I have a ship that is carefully constructed for me and a confidant who helps to row the boat when the water gets rough. Everyday felt easy, even when there are days where the storms are big, the ship almost sink, but at the end of the day, I still made it to the calm waters with the sun shining and the cool breeze softly hitting my skin. No. We, made it.
I just turned 23 a few weeks ago, and I’m writing this because I want to keep reminding myself that no matter what, there is hope.
it’s been 2 months since i turned 21!! there are many unexpected things happening and i gotta say: i love it!!! i can’t wait to explore more and try out so many new things and have fun~ it’s a little bit sad that this pandemic robbed so many opportunities from me but i also feel like in some ways, it also opened so many doors. I guess just like many things, this pandemic also comes with both bad and good sides…. anyways these days i feel great, despite putting in a lot more weight than usual, i feel more happy and content rather than the previous years???? even though i have less friends now (i guess) and have zero romantic interests but things are coming out in a more positive ways for me. I feel very grateful everyday! I never really write here but i’ll try to write more since it feels somehow nice<3
